If you and your partner are looking for couples therapy, you might be overwhelmed by the options. There are several approaches to dealing with communication issues, traumatic relationship events, and a lack of intimacy. A research-proven method for treating couples with relationship problems is the Gottman Method.

What is the Gottman Method?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are researchers and clinicians who have spent decades studying the behavioral patterns of couples. Over the course of long-term studies, they were able to accurately predict whether a couple would stay together or get divorced based on their communication style. Dr. John Gottman posed the “Four Horsemen” representing poor conflict management in relationships:

• Stonewalling

• Defensiveness

• Contempt

• Criticism

These four responses to a partner in conflict means they are not connecting, not interested in solving problems together, and ignoring their partner’s bids for attention. Couples who regularly engage in the “Four Horsemen” behaviors are more likely to break up. People in strong, fulfilling relationships have at least five positive interactions for every one bad interaction. The Gottmans’ insight was that healthy couples are significantly better at managing conflict than their dysfunctional counterparts.

After coming up with the “Four Horsemen,” they could accurately predict who was headed for divorce. This led to the Gottmans developing a concrete plan for helping people develop enriching, happy relationships.

The “Sound Relationship House” Theory

The Gottmans developed this metaphor for working towards a healthy, secure, successful relationship. It's called the Sound Relationship House Theory. It’s the foundation for their couples therapy. As you go forward in Gottman therapy sessions, you “explore” each of the seven floors, or principles, of the house. The goal is to appreciate each other’s rich inner lives, compromise during conflict, accept bids for attention, and make space for a relationship that enriches both of you.

• 1st floor: Build love maps

• 2nd floor: Express fondness and admiration

• 3rd floor: Turn towards each other (instead of away)

• 4th floor: The positive perspective

• 5th floor: Manage conflict

• 6th floor: Make life dreams come true

• 7th floor: Create shared meaning

The house is held up by two walls: Trust and Commitment. By trusting your partner as you go through therapy together, you’re showing that you’re each serving the best interests of the other. When you’re committed at this stage, you’re believing that your relationship is worth working on and that by committing to therapy you’ll make an effort to fix your situation.

What does the Gottman Method treat?

The Gottmans believe that even though everyone is unique, relationship interactions can fall into predictable categories. Conflicts are either solvable or perpetual. They prefer to think about this as “managing conflicts” rather than “resolving conflicts” because some couples need to accept that a particular conflict will remain in their partnership. The Gottman Method words great for couples who are:

• Constantly arguing

• Disagreeing about parenting

• Emotionally distanced

• Working through infidelity

• Communicating poorly

The goal is to increase your friendship bond with your partner, determine which conflicts are solvable and which are manageable, and to rebuild your shared meaning.

Is Gottman Therapy right for you?

Couples decide to seek therapy for all kinds of reasons. Maybe you and your partner are just going through a rough patch and can’t seem to connect. Or perhaps you’ve experienced a sudden traumatic event such as infidelity or grief. Some people wait until their issues with intimacy and communication are so intense they’re on the brink of separating. Whatever your situation is, the Gottman Method can help. If you’re looking to repair communication and strengthen your bond, Gottman therapy may be right for you.

To find out more about how Gottman therapy works, please reach out to us for couples therapy or marriage counseling.